Dear Troy

Dear Troy

Tonight they killed you

Like they hung your grandfathers from the trees

Like they beat your fathers in the streets

Saying “This is justice”

And I don’t think the word will ever get clean again

In America we talk about fair trials

And reasonable doubt

Until we are blue

Until you were blue, and cold

That officer’s widow is still a widow

The hole he left still gapes

Unsutured by your death

And twice as wide now

It is a hole in all of us

Tonight they killed you

And we are less with your passing

Less free

Less ourselves

Smaller in the face of darkness

But we will shrug tomorrow that what’s done is done

And we did all we could

Didn’t we?

You should have seen our facebooks, Troy

for those who "can never find a good guy"

i had a list, growing up, of the qualities i was looking for in the perfect mate. most girls i know have/had such a list at some point. some keep it secretly in a diary, some bust it out to compare with the lists of others, and for some it is less formal - they say they are looking for someone who is like some character from a book or person they look up to, which implies a list of characteristics. now, when i had my list i thought it was a pretty modest and sensible one. honesty and sense of humor were on it, but income wasn't. height was on it, but that seemed only reasonable to want someone as tall as me. and every time i dated someone or considered dating someone, the list was in the back of my mind and i was taking mental notes (often subconsciously) and seeing how my date measured against the list. i figured that when i found someone who checked all the boxes, i would know i had found "the one". and i often lamented that it was so hard to find someone who met even a majority of my qualifications.
the best decision i have ever made was to ditch my list.

when i got rid of the list, i could finally start seeing the men i dated as individual and complex humans, rather than as potential checkmarks on a list. i spent years lamenting that it was so hard to find a guy who would see the real me in all my diversity, but at the same time i was refusing to see the real them. there is a lot of talk about how men objectify women, but i think there needs to be more talk about how women objectify men. women want to be taken as a whole, but want to choose a man based on certain ideal characteristics. it is common for men to physically objectify women, but it is just as common - perhaps more common because it is so socially acceptable - for women to emotionally objectify men. i'm not saying that it's bad to want to be with someone who has similar values and goals, but focusing too hard on ideal qualities often means missing the whole picture and the individual qualities a mate may bring to the table. if you think of your absolute favorite ideal meal to eat and then go trying to find a restaurant that serves exactly that meal, you'll never find it. you'll go hungry, and miss out on an amazing array of good food. obviously that's a very simple metaphor, but the concept is the same. if you already know in your head what the "perfect mate" is, you'll never find that in real life and will miss out on love.

i said for years that i didn't want to marry someone shorter than me. a few months after i tossed my list, i met the love of my life and the best man i have ever met. my incredible husband is 5" shorter than me, and only a few months before we met i wouldn't have given him the time of day and would have totally missed out on love. there were lots of small things where on the surface it didn't seem like he matched up with my list. but when i lost the list i was able to see past the surface, and to get to know him as a unique and complex human. in hindsight, he does have all the really important qualities i was looking for - he is honest and funny and kind and hard working and places a high importance on family and knows where he wants to go in life - but if i'd had my list in mind, i would never have gotten down to see those layers. and, the more i got to know him, the more individual qualities i saw in him that i would never have thought to put on a list but which made up his amazing whole that i now cannot live without.

i guess all of this is to say that if you are single and lamenting not being able to find "a good guy", i would urge you to stop and think for a minute. if your definition of a good guy includes someone who will love you for you, then you have to start by letting go of abstract, ideal qualities and start getting to know guys for who they really are. you'll probably be surprised how many good guys you find when you take the time to get to know them without your list in mind. let go of the agenda, and start looking at guys as real human beings rather than as potential list fulfillers. you will probably find what you're looking for. just my two cents.


*the gendered language in this post was simply the easiest way for me to write, since i write from the perspective of a straight female. but i think you could switch out "guy" and "husband" for "girl" and "partner" and it would still be true.

a confession

in target the other day i was passing through the baby clothes and saw an awesome sweater. it had a pirate scull and crossbones on it and was blue and grey. it was so cute and my first thought was "what an awesome sweater, i should get it for haven!". i should go with my first thoughts more often, i think. my second thought was "it's a boy's sweater. too bad girl clothes aren't that cute". i'm ashamed of that second thought, and more ashamed that i listened to it. what exactly is it that makes a sweater a "boy's sweater"? because it was blue and grey? because it was in the boy's section? because an advertiser decided to market it to boys?...i think that last one. some of my favorite sweaters have been "men's" sweaters. does it mean that i'm dressing "like a man"(whatever the hell that means) when i wear them? no. nor do people think that i'm a man when i wear my sweaters. so why should i give in to all that bullshit when it comes to haven? the truth is that my daughter is no more defined by her clothes than i am. too often in the past year i have given in and gone with the "girly" clothes simply because i get frustrated correcting people who call her "he" when she wears any color other than bright pink. i'm ashamed of that frustration and how i've handled it. why should i give a fuck what some stranger assumes about her based on their narrow preconceptions of gender. this weekend i am going back to target to get haven that sweater, because it is awesomely cute. and from now on i am going to buy her clothes based only on awesomeness and functionality, not on what aisle they are in at the store. my daughter will not live in a box. i will continue to encourage her love of cars and dogs as much as her love of dress-up. i will watch myself and make sure that i tell her every day what a beautiful person she is, but not that she looks pretty just because she's in a dress (i already make a point to refer dressing up or wearing makeup as "looking fancy" rather than "looking pretty", but i've noticed a disturbing trend lately of "you're so pretty" being the phrase i say to her most frequently). i love her tutu and all her cute dresses, but i want more than cute dresses for my daughter. society will try to place many limitations on her throughout her life, and i will not be able to protect her from them all. but right now i can at least lay a foundation that will enable her to find her value in her intelligence and spirit and kindness, and not in her looks. i can teach her from the begining that clothing does not make a person, nor do possessions or hobbies. and it can all start with a bitchin pirate sweater. she is going to look so cute in it this fall, worn with jeans and her black sneakers. and if anyone tells me how cute my "son" is, that's fine. i will feel sad for them in my heart that they live in such a small box, but i will not put haven in a similar box just to fit in.

progress

because i'm super proud of my progress, i'm going to post pictures of the rooms that i get totally clean and organized. so here is my progress so far. a lot of rooms are almost done, but these two are finished and sparkly.

nursery:

all the clothes size newborn-4T are organized in bins by size, with the curent size hanging. and all the equipment (basket, bouncer, bucket seat) fits in the closet now instead of around the room.


weeded out a lot of toys, and organized what was left.



dining room:


now the only stuff on the table is what belongs there, and it is usable for eating.

my "helper":


haven has been sorting (and chewing) the storage containers for me.

the great purge of '11

i have been on a crazy organizing kick for the past week. purging lots of junk.
i have always been a packrat, but i've realized that living in the midst of so much stuff is stressful. it is weighing me down. i save stuff because "i'll use it someday", but it sits around taking up space and making it so i have no room to do whatever project i was saving it for. or i save things because they "have sentimental value" but then forget about them because they get burried in mess. so i'm reading minimalist blogs, and getting rid of a lot. i don't think i'll ever get to minimalism, by any stretch, but it's inspiring. i just want to get to peaceful and livable.

so far in a week i've gotten rid of 4 bags of clothes and accessories (i already got rid of 4 bags in january, and i still have more than i strictly need after 8 bags gone), and 3 bags of garbage. i have reorganized all the upstairs closets, and totally cleaned the master bedroom. it feels great. all that's left upstairs is to clean off the desk in the spare room and set my sewing stuff up on it.
downstairs is still awful, and it's harder to clean because haven runs around all day making messes as soon as i clean anything. but i feel like i'm on a roll now.

i feel so serene and proud of myself when i walk in my bedroom, and i want that feeling in the whole house. i want to breathe a sigh of calm when i come home, rather than sniffing the full garbage. i want to be excited that company is coming over, rather than frantic.
and i want haven to grow up with that sense of calm. i have to teach myself how to not let stuff be my master, so that i can teach haven. i want her to learn how to live simply from the start. it's hard to unlearn the messy ways now. and i'm realizing that a lot of my packratting is emotional. i never had a "childhood home" - i had about 10. each move, what made the new place feel like home was that i brought all my stuff along. so the way some people feel about the house they grew up in, is how i feel about boxes of stuff. clutter is my security blanket. but the blanket has gotten stuffy and constrictive, and it needs to go.

today i want to get pictures hung in the bedroom, and clear off the dining table. i've got a cold, and haven is teething, so i'm keeping to small tasks today.
wish me luck.

shit, shoot, and poo poo head

haven isn't talking yet, but she's about to turn 1 so i know it's coming soon. and with talking will come repeating words she hears, which brings up the issue of "bad words". i do not have the daintiest of vocabularies, and tony's mouth is worse than mine. however, i do not speak in a way that i believe is morally wrong. if i thought saying "goddamnit!" when i stub my toe was wrong, i wouldn't say it. since i don't believe it's wrong, i'm pondering whether or not to censor myself around haven. i think i've come to the conclusion that there is a way of speaking that i find wrong and will teach her not to do, but that it has to do with intent rather than specific words.
i fail to see any moral difference between "shit" and "shoot". is the "i" sound really more evil than the "oo" sound? is "freak" really more appropriate than "fuck"? i can't see how. if the words are just being used as punctuation/exclamation, i don't believe there is anything wrong with "bad" words (i won't even get into the nerdy linguistics history and how "bad" words are really just the Saxon version and "ok" words are the Norman translation).
i do think there are things it's not ok to say. cursing as punctuation is fine, but cursing AT someone is absolutely not ok. and you can curse at someone and damage them with your words without saying a single "swear". i think it is far more wrong to call someone a "poo poo head" than to say "oh shit" when a drink spills. in the same vein, derogatory "jokes" are inappropriate regardless of the words used to convey the disrespect. words do not have a meaning outside their intent and context. so it is far more vulgar and immoral to use "non-swear" words to hurt someone than to use "swear" words to emphasize the emotional content of a sentence.
i want to teach my children that words have the power to build or to break, and must be used carefully. i want to teach them to speak respectfully and kindly. those things are important. but i frankly won't give a fuck if they say "fuck" when a toy breaks or whatever. "oh fuck" will be fine, but "fuck you" will not....i believe learning that distinction is far more important than learning to simply avoid certain words.
i will teach my kids that certain language is not appropriate in certain places/situations. i speak differently at work than i do at home, in more ways than just word choice. i speak differently when writing a formal letter than when updating facebook. sometimes i even use capitol letters. and that ability to adapt communication style to fit a situation an important life skill to know. but it's not a moral issue any more than wearing shoes (which i also do in public, mostly, but not at home).
maybe i will get shit from other moms when my kids swear around their kids. but i'm covered in tattoos and breastfeed in public and take my baby to rock shows in bars...so i'm bound to get some shit from other parents one way or another. and if i know that my children aren't hurting others with their words, then i will feel successful and content in my parenting.
plus, it's super hilarious when a toddler says "shit" in public....

ode to aunt flo

so it really bothers me when women talk about their period as "the curse", or talk about how dumb and useless and dirty and horrible it is.
i think it irks me most because it smacks so decidedly of the old misogynistic attitude that there is something dirty about being a woman. i don't like it coming from men, but expect it, but i absolutely can't stand when women give into that thinking.
there is nothing gross about having a period. it is not "dirty". it is not something to be ignored/denied three weeks a month and then bemoaned and cursed the other week. getting a period means that your body is healthy and functioning. it is an affirmation of the beautiful power of reproduction.
yes, sometimes periods are painful. i have endometriosis and used to spend days in bed, fainting, throwing up, when i got my period. i know about the pain. i'm not saying that getting my period is my favorite time of the month. but it is a time that i respect and am thankful for. it is a time every month where my body reminds me of what it is capable of.
and, i found that once i switched to cloth pads and a menstrual cup, i have far shorter and easier periods. apparently a lot of the cramps, itching, and general yucky feeling i used to get during my period was because my body was reacting to the bleach and weird chemicals and plastics in the disposable pads and tampons i was using. the first month that i wasn't using the disposable stuff, my period was suddenly 4 days rather than 7, with slight cramps on the first day rather than doubling-over pain for two or three days. and it's not just me who's found that. the quickest of google searches will give you hundreds of stories of women who thought they had horrible periods and then found out they actually just had horrible pads and tampons.
but i dislike the disposable products for more reason than just their bad effect on my health. i dislike what they say about menstruation. when i use a cloth pad, i have to come into contact with my period, literally. before i used cloth i thought it would be so gross to wash the blood out, because i had really no idea what period blood was like...i'd always just shoved the used pad in the trash as quickly as possible because it was "nasty"(i always made sure to wrap it in layers and layers of toilet paper so no one would know that i did anything as disgusting as menstruate). turns out menstrual blood is no grosser than any other body fluid. i don't freak out about blowing my nose or cleaning a cut or spitting, so why should i freak out about period flow?
the answer is that i thought it was gross because i'd been told it was gross...by the disposable pad companies.
the disposable period industry teaches girls from the start of menstruation to be grossed out by their periods, and ashamed. why on earth would they advertise a quiet wrapper for a pad? so none of the other women in the women's restroom will know that you have a properly functioning woman's body? really? getting your period is so shameful and disgusting that even the sound of a pad being unwrapped within earshot of other women is just too humiliating to bear?
give me a break.
it is impossible to think that a period is gross and shameful without thinking, though probably subconsciously, that your body is gross and shameful. getting a period is about as tied to being sexually a woman as it gets. so when you ignore/deny/hide/disdain your period, you are necessarily ignoring/etc part of your very being.
for those who feel that although they are sexually women, they are of the male gender, i can understand this sort of discomfort. but for women who identify as women, it baffles me. well, not totally. i do get why it is...because i did feel that way. if we tell young girls often enough that a period is a curse, they will believe it until they are taught or realize better. i guess what i don't get is why we let our bodies be slandered by corporations trying to make a buck off the backs of our insecurity.
so anyways, i'll be getting my period next week and i will treat its arrival with the honor that my body deserves. i will wear cloth pads that force me to be in contact with and think about my period. i will celebrate the fact that i have a sexually mature, healthy body, capable of performing enormous feats of strength and endurance and bringing life into the world. i will use a heat pack and take an advil, but it won't be because i'm cursed. it will be because anything good is a little hard, and my period is something very good.