Arlo

you almost never were, and now you're not
but you were mine
for those few weeks before you failed to thrive
i miss your face that will never be a face
and the fingers you would have by now
i miss the labor pains that never came
replaced now by a deeper, lasting ache
that they promise fades in time

you almost never were, and now you're not
but in my dreams you still grow up
and i grow old and hold your babies in my arms
the way i will never hold you in my arms
in my dreams all things empty are still full
and i shake my head and smile
at the false alarm

you almost never were, and now you're not
absent now for longer than you were present
time did not stop when you stopped
and my heart keeps pumping blood that should have been pumped
for the both of us
who will not be an "us", only a "once"
the irony is not lost that you lived inside of me
but we will never touch

you almost never were, and now you're not
i called you Arlo in my head when i read the test
because i knew right then you were a "he" and not an "it", who should have a name
and now it can't be said
not even a headstone to carve it in
just my heart - the only place you ever lived
where you live still
where you will always rest