letting go

i am so incredibly grateful and happy to be pregnant (oh, hey, for those of you who missed the facebook announcement, i'm pregnant), but this pregnancy has hit me much harder than when i was pregnant with haven. i've been sick, and exhausted, and she-hulk cranky, and was really not prepared for how different it would be to be pregnant with a toddler than when i was pregnant by myself all day. but every time i think about the little grape-sized person growing inside me, and how amazing it will be to add to our family, and how my heart feels full after feeling achy for many months, it is so worth it.

when i first found out i was pregnant again i had mixed emotions. i was excited, but also gripped with terror that i would miscarry again. i didn't want to get my hopes up, or get my heart set on another baby, only to be crushed again. i spent a few weeks mentally wringing my hands, with my stomach in knots, expecting to lose the baby at any moment. but then it hit me that living in fear and worry wouldn't make this baby healthy, but could cause me to miss out on all the joy of pregnancy. i decided that this baby is worth all the hope and excitement and joy and pride in my heart, for as long as it lives...whether that is 80 years, or only a few weeks. this baby is my child, and deserves a mama who isn't afraid to fall totally in love with it.

it's not easy to let go of the worry. i have to remind myself daily to let go and love my baby with all that i am, for as long as it is my baby. i even feel a bit weird writing this post, because i'm still two weeks away from that magical, 12 week mark where the risk of miscarriage drops off. at the back of my mind is the fear that my next post could be about awful loss. but the truth i must try to remember is that it is no more risky to love this baby than to love anyone else. all love is a risk. any opening of oneself to someone else is inherently risky. it's just a little more clear and immediate of a risk in this situation. and maybe that's good.

i decided years ago that i would rather risk the pain of heartbreak than live with a heart too calloused and bitter to be broken. situations like this pregnancy are both a test and an affirmation of that. it's times like this where god challenges me to actually be the person i say i am. it's not about denying or ignoring or belittling my fears. it's about looking them in the eyes, and having compassion for the part of me that is afraid, and honoring that protective impulse, and then gently saying "but i will love anyways". it's a process that i know will continue for the rest of my life, and that i will need to go through over and over and over. because there will never be a way to love without risk, and i will never be the kind of person who is not afraid of risk. but i will also not be the kind of person who lets the fear choke out the love.

i am treasuring every nauseous, exhausted, grumpy, glorious, scary minute of this pregnancy. i'm choosing to let go of the worry, so that i can hold tightly to those i love....my arms are long, but not long enough to hold onto both. and i'm hoping that i get to write many posts in the years to come about this new baby and our growing family. once i hit the "publish" button for this post, i will probably get a horrible sick feeling in my stomach, like i've tempted fate. but i think that's the only way i want to live.