perspective

today i am 6 weeks pregnant (the one plus side to only seeing hubby for a few days every few months is that i know exactly when i got pregnant). that means little dude in my belly is almost 1/4 inch long...about the size of a raisin or a pinky fingernail. i can't believe how fast the baby grows! it basically is doubling in size every week. crazy. i can't wait till i start to show, although i've got another two months probably before that happens. i think pregnant bellies are so cute.

i'm not really feeling/seeing physical changes from pregnancy so far. my only real symptom is being extra tired and having to pee more often. i'm not getting nauseous, i'm not showing, i'm not craving weird foods. but there is so much non-physical change going on in my life.
i have never been so aware of the effects of my actions as i am now. i'm constantly thinking about how what i do affects my baby. i look much more thoroughly before i cross the street; i go to bed as soon as i feel sleepy rather than staying up to catch a movie or do some extra reading; i approach food and eating with great intention and a new outlook because i suddenly have this new tiny person to nourish; i quit smoking cold turkey when i found out i was pregnant and haven't once been tempted because no craving could be more important than my baby.
i have never prayed so much in my life. my spirituality is suddenly coming back into focus as i'm thinking about a new life being created. there is so much beyond my control in this process, and it really pushes me to trust that god knows what's up even if i don't. god has made babies before even though this is my first time at it.

but probably the biggest change is that i'm learning to slow down and not freak out and obsess about things that don't really matter. it's pretty much a necessity. if i freaked out over everything new and scary and uncertain in life right now, or everything i'm too tired to get done, i would go insane. slowing down is a must, because it's a choice between functioning slower or not functioning at all. things that i used to think were so important and would worry about and run myself ragged over suddenly seem really silly and a waste of energy.
i am getting a 'D' in a class this semester, and i'm not upset about it. i'm not getting it because of bad work, per se. i'm getting it because i had the choice between getting enough sleep or doing enough research. this is the first time in my life i'm choosing sleep over research, and i have zero regret. i am simply not doing a research project that counts for 30% of my class grade, because it is more important that i be healthy and rested. i love doing research, and i love the topic i had picked for the project. but i love my baby more.
my well being has never come before my GPA until now. in the past i have had panic attacks over grades, and literally studied myself sick. when i was 18 i tried to kill myself because i was going to fail a class. yes, really. looking back now it all seems so twisted, and rightly so. my GPA is dropping from a 3.7 last semester to a 2.2 this semester, and i have never felt better. i'm seeing that what really matters in life is not numbers on a transcript but the fact that i'm sane and healthy and have time to devote to myself and my husband and my friends. having a safe and healthy and happy pregnancy will not earn me a letter grade, but it is the most important thing i can do in the next 8 months.

old me would have felt really guilty about not being able to do everything at once, and gotten sick trying. new me is learning what the truly important things are, and learning to be ok with letting everything else go if necessary. it's really freeing.

i've got you under my skin

i am 5.5 weeks pregnant, which means that my baby is almost the size of a small grain of rice, and busy developing a spinal cord and heart. by the end of this week his/her heart will start beating. that's pretty incredible. it's a little strange knowing that there is a life growing inside of me. i don't look pregnant and i don't particularly feel pregnant yet, but i'm not alone.....i feel a little schitzophrenic talking to my tummy at this point, but i want to get used to it. the baby won't have ears for weeks yet, but the second they develop i want my baby to hear how much it is loved.

i spent the weekend with my husband's family. they are amazing, and i'm really blessed to have great in-laws. my mother-in-law helped me catch up my laundry (i'm just too tired all the time to lug it to the laundromat), and pick out a good pre-natal vitamin. i wish i was closer to my own mom.

i'm really torn on the issue of the h1n1 vaccine. i know i'm really supposed to get it because being pregant puts me in the high risk category. but i'm worried because i have always had really bad reactions to vaccines. i'm extremely sensitive to mercury and actually had mercury poisoning a few years ago, and most vaccines contain mercury in one of the preservative ingredients (thimeresol). the CDC website said a version of the vaccine is available without thimeresol, but i don't know if it's available here in the middle of nowhere. and, even without the mercury issue, i still tend to get very sick from vaccines. i got full blown, contagious measles from the measles vaccine. i got yellow fever from the yellow fever vaccine. i could easilly get swine flu from the swine flu vaccine. i know that it's healthy for most people, but so are those other vaccines. i just don't know which is more dangerous: to not get vaccinated and risk the flu, or to get vaccinated and risk mercury poisoning or still getting the flu. i'm going to call the health department tomorrow and see if i can talk to someone about it, and at least see if they have the thimeresol-free vaccine available.

i get to see my husband again in two weeks, for thanksgiving. i'm flying up to DC for the holliday. i can't wait till i can move up there. january can't come soon enough. it's been a long year of being apart. in the 4.5 months that we've been married, we've only had 12 days together....though we've put them to good use (as evidenced by me being pregnant!). i'm really ready to live in the same place and really begin a life together.

it's strange to think how quickly and beautifully my life has fallen into place over the past year and a half. i met, fell in love with, and married the man of my dreams, and now we are starting a family. i never expected life to work out this way. i'm a lucky girl.

a begining

it's strange how unexpectedy life can change. i found out tuesday that i'm pregnant. whoa. what a bundle of emotions. i'm excited and nervous and worried and happy and scared and shocked. i look down at my belly and can't believe that there is a 1.5milimeter long life growing inside of it. my husband is really excited. we both want kids, and although ideally we would have waited another year or so, we are still really happy. i don't think there is ever a perfect time for a baby. there will always be stresses and worries involved. now was not the planned time, but we can make it a great time.
the whole thing still feels very surreal. i keep thinking that i'll wake up tomorrow and it will have been a dream. i've taken a test every morning for three days now, just to be sure. my first dr.'s appointment is tomorrow morning, where she'll confirm the pregnancy and tell my due date and all of that fun stuff. i can't wait. i think once she tells me i'm pregnant it will feel all the way real. so far i don't have any horrible morning sickness or anything like that. i'm having a hard time sleeping, and i've got massive heartburn and a craving for banana chips, but that's about it.
do i have to think of myself as a 'woman' now, instead of a 'girl'?
how will i protect this baby from all of the horribleness in the world?
so much is new.