blah blah blah baby stuff

it's been forever since i blogged. i need to be more consistent about things...maybe someday.
i'm moving up to DC in three days. the movers come to pack everything on friday, and i fly on saturday. until the start of this week it didn't really seem real, even though i was getting ready for it. but suddenly it is real and i'm really leaving and i really feel sad. i'm going to miss my friends. i'm going to miss my cozy apartment. of course, i'm excited about the move. i'm so glad to finally get to live with tony, and our new place is beautiful. but i'm also sad. i don't like changes, even when they are good and necessary ones and even when i've chosen to make them.

in news about my foetus that is way more interesting to me than to anyone else, baby is now 4 inches long and weighs 1.5oz. it has eyebrows, finger and toenails, and can suck its thumb. it has distinguishable sex organs now, though we still won't be able to find out for a few weeks whether it is a he or a she. it's starting to grow hair on its head. i'm still hardly showing at all. i really hope i start to show soon.
i've decided to have a home birth. i've been contacting midwives in DC, and was excited to find out that my insurance covers home birth! no cold, hard, infection filled hospital for me! no condescending doctors and fussy nurses! no unnecessary and counterproductive interventions and monitoring! i'm so relieved. at a hospital i would have had to spend my energy fighting for respectful treatment and a natural birth. with a midwife, those come standard. and, she will come to my home for prenatal visits! i'm so excited. tony is leery of it, but i think he will come around. the statistics are pretty black and white in favor of home birth as the safest option as far as preventing infection, fetal distress, c-section, excess birth pain, and postpartem depression. i had been really worried about birth, but now that home birth is an option i feel very much at peace and confident.

i'm becoming one of those people who only talks about boring pregnancy things. i realize this is happening, but i can do little to nothing to stop it. i used to have all kinds of interesting thoughts about the world and life...they have all been eclipsed by hormones. this is just the way it is. i hope that i will become interesting again after the baby is born, but i doubt it. i think this sort of thing only gets worse.

news and junk

i haven't posted in a while. and, the way things are looking, prolly won't post again after this for a longer while.

*my skinny jeans no longer fit in the tummy :) i don't really 'show' yet, but i can feel the difference in all my waistbands. hooray!

*tony and i got a house on base, which is a huge relief. it's a two story townhouse style, with 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms, and a ginormous kitchen. i can't wait to move everything in in january and start really making it a home.

*i visited tony for thanksgiving, and we had dinner at my favorite aunt's house. i'm really looking forward to living near her. also, i made a fantastically yummy chocolate raspberry french desert tart with a name that i can't remember. it actually turned out, which is a first for me. i was quite proud of myself.

*i went shopping on black friday for the first time ever. it was crazy, but we got some sweet sweet deals like a mondo flatscreen tv for the new place.

*i am withdrawing from school this week. i feel a little silly for withdrawing 3 weeks from the end, but it's just too much. if it wasn't the hollidays, and if i wasn't moving, and if i wasn't pregnant, it would be fine. but the way life is, school is just too much. and i didn't have great grades this semester anyways. something had to give, and school is about the only thing that can. this way i don't stress myself to death, and my crappy grades don't get recorded, and i might actually have time to clean the apartment and buy and make some christmas presents.

*when i withdraw, i will be offline for a while. i have to give my school computer back, and my old computer is on the fritz. so i prolly won't be online between the end of this week and the 19th when tony gets here. sad day.

*my baby is now the size of a large olive, and has all it's organs and muscles (at least in their begining stages), and fingers and toes and eyelids and the start of a nose! the baby is growing a millimeter every day, which prolly explains why i'm so stinking tired and hungry all the time.

*i am so excited about christmas. it will be the first time in 9 years that all of my siblings will be together for christmas. i seriously cannot wait.

*tony gets leave from the 19th to the 3rd of january. that's two whole weeks together. it's pretty sad, but that will be the longest we've had together in a year. but, soon we will finally be able to live together.

that's all the news that's fit to print, i guess.

perspective

today i am 6 weeks pregnant (the one plus side to only seeing hubby for a few days every few months is that i know exactly when i got pregnant). that means little dude in my belly is almost 1/4 inch long...about the size of a raisin or a pinky fingernail. i can't believe how fast the baby grows! it basically is doubling in size every week. crazy. i can't wait till i start to show, although i've got another two months probably before that happens. i think pregnant bellies are so cute.

i'm not really feeling/seeing physical changes from pregnancy so far. my only real symptom is being extra tired and having to pee more often. i'm not getting nauseous, i'm not showing, i'm not craving weird foods. but there is so much non-physical change going on in my life.
i have never been so aware of the effects of my actions as i am now. i'm constantly thinking about how what i do affects my baby. i look much more thoroughly before i cross the street; i go to bed as soon as i feel sleepy rather than staying up to catch a movie or do some extra reading; i approach food and eating with great intention and a new outlook because i suddenly have this new tiny person to nourish; i quit smoking cold turkey when i found out i was pregnant and haven't once been tempted because no craving could be more important than my baby.
i have never prayed so much in my life. my spirituality is suddenly coming back into focus as i'm thinking about a new life being created. there is so much beyond my control in this process, and it really pushes me to trust that god knows what's up even if i don't. god has made babies before even though this is my first time at it.

but probably the biggest change is that i'm learning to slow down and not freak out and obsess about things that don't really matter. it's pretty much a necessity. if i freaked out over everything new and scary and uncertain in life right now, or everything i'm too tired to get done, i would go insane. slowing down is a must, because it's a choice between functioning slower or not functioning at all. things that i used to think were so important and would worry about and run myself ragged over suddenly seem really silly and a waste of energy.
i am getting a 'D' in a class this semester, and i'm not upset about it. i'm not getting it because of bad work, per se. i'm getting it because i had the choice between getting enough sleep or doing enough research. this is the first time in my life i'm choosing sleep over research, and i have zero regret. i am simply not doing a research project that counts for 30% of my class grade, because it is more important that i be healthy and rested. i love doing research, and i love the topic i had picked for the project. but i love my baby more.
my well being has never come before my GPA until now. in the past i have had panic attacks over grades, and literally studied myself sick. when i was 18 i tried to kill myself because i was going to fail a class. yes, really. looking back now it all seems so twisted, and rightly so. my GPA is dropping from a 3.7 last semester to a 2.2 this semester, and i have never felt better. i'm seeing that what really matters in life is not numbers on a transcript but the fact that i'm sane and healthy and have time to devote to myself and my husband and my friends. having a safe and healthy and happy pregnancy will not earn me a letter grade, but it is the most important thing i can do in the next 8 months.

old me would have felt really guilty about not being able to do everything at once, and gotten sick trying. new me is learning what the truly important things are, and learning to be ok with letting everything else go if necessary. it's really freeing.

thoughts on ft. hood

i am really saddened by the Fort Hood shooting. it is tragic enough that 13 people died, but the tragedy is compounded by the way that some people are responding. i am sickened by those who suggest that Muslims should not be allowed to serve in the military, or should be singled out and investigated simply because of their religion.

our nations only justification for the "war on terror" is in upholding the difference between a war on terror and a war on the religion of Islam. we must firmly hold onto the distinction between the majority of Muslims of true faith, who follow the teachings of Allah of justice and mercy and respect for others, and the tiny group of extremists who use Islam as a guise for hatred and evil. they are no more representative of Islam as a whole as the members of the Lords Army in Uganda are representative of Christianity as a whole (google this if you don't know...they force children to be soldiers and if they don't fight they get their arms cut off in the name of Jesus). in any religion there are crazy fringe elements who do awful things. but if we begin to harass and vilify Muslims and make this a war on Islam, we justify extremism.
extremist imams use the idea that America is fighting the religion of Islam as a way to justify terror attacks. and, if it were true that we were fighting Muslims based on their religion, then all Muslims would have every right to fight back. the fact that we are fighting terrorist actions and not Muslim beliefs is what keeps terrorists from being justified.

the Fort Hood shooting was horrifying and tragic, as is all loss of life. it remains to be seen whether or not it was motivated by extremism, or simply by mental instability. either way it is awful. either way those lost remain lost. but if America lashes out at Muslims because of this, we become the terrorists. we should not dishonour the soldiers who have lost their lives to the war on terror by becoming the very thing they died to protect us from.

there is a verse to a U2 song that i love called "peace on earth" that goes:

"where i grew up there weren't many trees
where there were we'd tear them down and use them on our enemies
they say that what you mock will surely overtake you
and you become a monster so the monsters will not break you"


we must not become monsters.

i've got you under my skin

i am 5.5 weeks pregnant, which means that my baby is almost the size of a small grain of rice, and busy developing a spinal cord and heart. by the end of this week his/her heart will start beating. that's pretty incredible. it's a little strange knowing that there is a life growing inside of me. i don't look pregnant and i don't particularly feel pregnant yet, but i'm not alone.....i feel a little schitzophrenic talking to my tummy at this point, but i want to get used to it. the baby won't have ears for weeks yet, but the second they develop i want my baby to hear how much it is loved.

i spent the weekend with my husband's family. they are amazing, and i'm really blessed to have great in-laws. my mother-in-law helped me catch up my laundry (i'm just too tired all the time to lug it to the laundromat), and pick out a good pre-natal vitamin. i wish i was closer to my own mom.

i'm really torn on the issue of the h1n1 vaccine. i know i'm really supposed to get it because being pregant puts me in the high risk category. but i'm worried because i have always had really bad reactions to vaccines. i'm extremely sensitive to mercury and actually had mercury poisoning a few years ago, and most vaccines contain mercury in one of the preservative ingredients (thimeresol). the CDC website said a version of the vaccine is available without thimeresol, but i don't know if it's available here in the middle of nowhere. and, even without the mercury issue, i still tend to get very sick from vaccines. i got full blown, contagious measles from the measles vaccine. i got yellow fever from the yellow fever vaccine. i could easilly get swine flu from the swine flu vaccine. i know that it's healthy for most people, but so are those other vaccines. i just don't know which is more dangerous: to not get vaccinated and risk the flu, or to get vaccinated and risk mercury poisoning or still getting the flu. i'm going to call the health department tomorrow and see if i can talk to someone about it, and at least see if they have the thimeresol-free vaccine available.

i get to see my husband again in two weeks, for thanksgiving. i'm flying up to DC for the holliday. i can't wait till i can move up there. january can't come soon enough. it's been a long year of being apart. in the 4.5 months that we've been married, we've only had 12 days together....though we've put them to good use (as evidenced by me being pregnant!). i'm really ready to live in the same place and really begin a life together.

it's strange to think how quickly and beautifully my life has fallen into place over the past year and a half. i met, fell in love with, and married the man of my dreams, and now we are starting a family. i never expected life to work out this way. i'm a lucky girl.

gloss-over

i'm making lotions and lip glosses as christmas presents this year. i love making gifts rather than buying them (it's so fun to do, and way more personal, and usually much cheaper). i will probably post a lotion recipe later. here is a lipgloss recipe:

3Tbsp. grated pure beeswax (i get mine here)
2Tbsp. grape seed oil
1Tbsp. castor oil
6 vitamin e capsules burst
1tsp. pure unrefined shea butter
1/2tsp. colored mica powder
5 drops essential oil (i like peppermint or vanilla)
tiny tupperware containers or special lip gloss containers

put beeswax, oils, vitamin e, and shea butter into a large ziplock bag.
squeeze the air out and seal it.
fill a large sauce pan with water and set it to boil.
hold the sealed ziplock in the water, so that it is submerged but doesn't touch the bottom or sides of the pan. move the bag around gently as the water heats.
about the time the water reaches boiling, the wax and oils should be melted together. remove the bag and contiue to gently slosh the mixture inside.
in about a minute it will start to cool (you can tell because the edges of the mixture will start turning opaque). add the colored mica powder and re-seal the bag. smoosh the powder into the mixture untill it's well mixed.
add the essential oil and smoosh/mix again.
snip a tiny hole in one bottom corner of the ziplock. squeeze the mixture from the hole into your containers.
place containers in the fridge for 5 minutes or until gloss has set.

be careful which essential oils you add. any citrus oil increases sensitivity to sun and can cause sun spots, so it's best to stick to non-citrus oils. also, if you're making gifts, make sure you use ingredients that the person who will recieve the gift is not allergic to. you can substitute olive oil for grape seed oil, and you can leave out the castor oil for a more matte look.

i get all of my ingredients from coastal scents, except for the beeswax which i get from an apiary. i like the quality of their products, and the fact that their products are ethically produced and not animal tested. they have great containers for lipgloss as well.

a begining

it's strange how unexpectedy life can change. i found out tuesday that i'm pregnant. whoa. what a bundle of emotions. i'm excited and nervous and worried and happy and scared and shocked. i look down at my belly and can't believe that there is a 1.5milimeter long life growing inside of it. my husband is really excited. we both want kids, and although ideally we would have waited another year or so, we are still really happy. i don't think there is ever a perfect time for a baby. there will always be stresses and worries involved. now was not the planned time, but we can make it a great time.
the whole thing still feels very surreal. i keep thinking that i'll wake up tomorrow and it will have been a dream. i've taken a test every morning for three days now, just to be sure. my first dr.'s appointment is tomorrow morning, where she'll confirm the pregnancy and tell my due date and all of that fun stuff. i can't wait. i think once she tells me i'm pregnant it will feel all the way real. so far i don't have any horrible morning sickness or anything like that. i'm having a hard time sleeping, and i've got massive heartburn and a craving for banana chips, but that's about it.
do i have to think of myself as a 'woman' now, instead of a 'girl'?
how will i protect this baby from all of the horribleness in the world?
so much is new.