Thursday, August 30, 2012

notes from the eye of the shit storm

i feel like every post starts with noting how long it's been since my last post. i'm starting to think such is grownup life. i just have a lot more life to live than i did a few years ago, and so a lot less blog. but this week i have time on my hands and fuzz in my head, which is a combination that begs to be blogged about.

i've been learning the past few weeks about how to be calm in a storm. unfortunately, that requires being in a storm. the cliche is that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but for me i feel like what hasn't killed me has made me realize how strong i already was. it's a weird feeling, recognizing my strength and the strength of my support system, and one that i don't think i would have been able to feel a few years ago. when the current shit storm began a few weeks ago, i totally freaked out and started to lose myself in the stress and worry. that's my usual response. but this time, as time has passed and the storm has not let up but i have not crumbled, i'm finding a strange sense of calm and...pride? defiance?'s almost like the worse things get the more badass i feel.
the storm is mostly over. the crisis is being fixed, and it is just a matter of waiting now as that happens and preparing for the cleanup operation. it's not fun, and i'm not looking forward to the next weeks. but i feel confident that i will be able to clean it up and keep going, mostly because i was able to go through the storm in the first place.
i'm also finding such a heightened sense of gratitude for my amazing husband (who is under all the same stress as me but also still having to go to work and manage all sorts of paperwork on his end), and the generosity of my in-laws. losing our financial safety net has highlighted how strong our relational safety net is. a big part of my being able to grow and find strength through the storm comes from knowing that i'm not alone in it.

my next month and a half is going to be maybe the busiest of my life. i'll be cleaning out the house and getting ready to move, and wading through paperwork and appointments with my OB, and WIC, and the movers, and the housing office, and then driving across country and moving into a new house/city/state. all while being mommy and wife, and 7 months pregnant, while tony has to spend extra time at work. i spent the first half of august with a growing sense of terror about how i would manage it all. but i've spent this second half of the month with a growing sense of confidence in myself because none of the coming stress will be worse than the past few weeks. if i can survive being stranded out of state for weeks with no car, a toddler, away from my husband, living out of a suitcase i packed for a 4 day trip, while all our finances disappear.... i'm pretty sure i can handle a move.

on a strictly happy note, i just hit 24 weeks pregnant. it's such a huge pregnancy milestone, especially after my worries about miscarriage, since now baby would be able to survive even if she was born super early. oh, by the way, the baby is a girl and her name is valencia grace. and in 4 months when she is born all this stress will be just a memory.

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