pregnancy has wrecked havok on my brain, rendering me incapable of writing more than one paragraph on any subject. hell, i'm happy if i can maintain a basic grasp of logic and remember to move the laundry to the dryer. it's much worse this time than last time. when i was pregnant with haven i could take naps, and after a nap i would have an hour or two of glorious, coherent thought. no such luck this time. there is too much to do with a toddler around to really allow for naps. all of three or four times in the past 8 months i've gotten the chance for a real nap, and without fail i've found myself unable to fall asleep. so i've resigned myself to the brief snatches of sanity that i'm able to hold onto.
all that to say that anything i post in the next 6 weeks (only 6 weeks till baby!!) is going to be pretty scattered. rather than fight it, i'm just going with it. so here are my current thoughts, in random order:
* as i type i am polishing off the last of the pecan pie i made last night. yes folks, i have eaten a whole pie in just under 24 hours. and i a'int ashamed of nuthin. it is/was some fucking amazing pie. i found a recipe on allrecipes.com that didn't call for karo syrup, and added chocolate chips, and subbed rum for vanilla extract since i had no vanilla extract. best pecan pie i have ever tasted, let alone made. oh, and it took less than 10 minutes to make. i can't even describe how good it is. responsible pregnant women cook meals ahead of time and freeze them for when the baby comes. i am seriously considering baking and freezing a bunch of pies instead.
* i had no idea how really worried i was about the election until the results came in. once i breathed a huge sigh of relief, i realized i'm really tired. the kind of tired that is as emotional as physical. my little subconscious has been worrying for weeks. i'm just so relieved that i don't have to worry about losing our WIC, or about tony's parents losing medicaid, or my friends losing the right to get married, or myself losing the right to make my own choices about my pregnancy, or tony being sent to iran because of jackass foreign policy decisions. it is a huge weight off my mind. i know there are a lot of things wrong with the country. i don't really love a lot of obama's policies. but at least now i can go back to bitching about the state of the country from relative comfort and safety, rather than living in terror of not being able to take care of my family, and of losing my rights simply because i have ovaries.
* haven is a lot to handle, especially with tony gone. the farther she gets into being two the more really rough days there are, and i don't have tony coming home at the end of the day to give me a break. however, her amazing little personality is growing at least as quickly as her urge to drive me insane. i really love being the mama of a two year old. i love hearing her pronunciations of new words, and seeing her develop likes and dislikes, and having her come cuddle with me because she wants me rather than because she needs me, and taking walks together, and going up the stairs together on all fours because we are being cats. i love watching her try to stunt ride her rocking horse wearing nothing but a cape and a diaper, or do her impression of a cookoo clock. i love waking up to her sweet face saying "morning! c'mon mama. downstairs!". it is always earlier than i'd like, but there's no one i'd rather eat grits with at 8am. i have a pretty awesome daughter, and i'm really looking forward to having another.
that's all the thought i can muster up tonight. i'm pretty sure there were some other thoughts bouncing around a few minutes ago, but they are gone now. haven was up at 5 this morning, so i'm more brain dead than usual tonight. i've had insomnia for weeks (really frustrating when i'm exhausted but not able to fall asleep before 12) but tonight i think i'm tired enough that i might manage actually getting to sleep at a decent hour and getting some real rest. wish me luck.