perspective

today i am 6 weeks pregnant (the one plus side to only seeing hubby for a few days every few months is that i know exactly when i got pregnant). that means little dude in my belly is almost 1/4 inch long...about the size of a raisin or a pinky fingernail. i can't believe how fast the baby grows! it basically is doubling in size every week. crazy. i can't wait till i start to show, although i've got another two months probably before that happens. i think pregnant bellies are so cute.

i'm not really feeling/seeing physical changes from pregnancy so far. my only real symptom is being extra tired and having to pee more often. i'm not getting nauseous, i'm not showing, i'm not craving weird foods. but there is so much non-physical change going on in my life.
i have never been so aware of the effects of my actions as i am now. i'm constantly thinking about how what i do affects my baby. i look much more thoroughly before i cross the street; i go to bed as soon as i feel sleepy rather than staying up to catch a movie or do some extra reading; i approach food and eating with great intention and a new outlook because i suddenly have this new tiny person to nourish; i quit smoking cold turkey when i found out i was pregnant and haven't once been tempted because no craving could be more important than my baby.
i have never prayed so much in my life. my spirituality is suddenly coming back into focus as i'm thinking about a new life being created. there is so much beyond my control in this process, and it really pushes me to trust that god knows what's up even if i don't. god has made babies before even though this is my first time at it.

but probably the biggest change is that i'm learning to slow down and not freak out and obsess about things that don't really matter. it's pretty much a necessity. if i freaked out over everything new and scary and uncertain in life right now, or everything i'm too tired to get done, i would go insane. slowing down is a must, because it's a choice between functioning slower or not functioning at all. things that i used to think were so important and would worry about and run myself ragged over suddenly seem really silly and a waste of energy.
i am getting a 'D' in a class this semester, and i'm not upset about it. i'm not getting it because of bad work, per se. i'm getting it because i had the choice between getting enough sleep or doing enough research. this is the first time in my life i'm choosing sleep over research, and i have zero regret. i am simply not doing a research project that counts for 30% of my class grade, because it is more important that i be healthy and rested. i love doing research, and i love the topic i had picked for the project. but i love my baby more.
my well being has never come before my GPA until now. in the past i have had panic attacks over grades, and literally studied myself sick. when i was 18 i tried to kill myself because i was going to fail a class. yes, really. looking back now it all seems so twisted, and rightly so. my GPA is dropping from a 3.7 last semester to a 2.2 this semester, and i have never felt better. i'm seeing that what really matters in life is not numbers on a transcript but the fact that i'm sane and healthy and have time to devote to myself and my husband and my friends. having a safe and healthy and happy pregnancy will not earn me a letter grade, but it is the most important thing i can do in the next 8 months.

old me would have felt really guilty about not being able to do everything at once, and gotten sick trying. new me is learning what the truly important things are, and learning to be ok with letting everything else go if necessary. it's really freeing.